Written by Wendell Orbillo Viloria
28 Dec 2003
Seven Three Zero Three Viloria, Wendell O. Alone again… there is nothing to do, that’s why I managed to turn-on my PC and try to find in-PC tasks that will make this time useful and not wasted by just sitting and watching television. Well, reading could be a good alternative for this, but I’m tired of it… maybe some other time. Right now… I feel like writing anything I can think of, a good choice on this complicated kind of day, I think. You know, sometimes, I really can’t understand “me”. There are times when I feel very interested on everything… new or old, good or bad… anything under the sun. But as expected there are days when I feel as gloom as the night. When I tend to hate everything I have and regret experiences I have had. I don’t know, really, if I’m just normal or I’m already insane.
It’s very hard to live like this… but according to the book I have read (for so many times already), teenagers like me (I know, I still am) are just normal to feel such disturbing feelings. It’s the science of that so-called teenage life. Teenage life will never be the same without those kinds of feelings of care.
Aargh… Am I in-love? Seriously in-love? Can’t figure that out… I’m so unsure of it. I have this feeling towards a friend but I’m such a clumsy dude to take a move. We call that “being torpe”. I don’t know why but I have the paranoia of her dumping me. I hate being rejected by someone, especially if that someone is the one I thought to be my “ideal” mate. It stings right through the heart.
According to my friends… that girl has great expectations to his becoming-boyfriend/s. I really want to be committed already. Committed to someone who will also love me as I want myself to love her and as I want her to be the ‘one’. But as of now, I already thought to myself that she will never fall for me because I might not satisfy her expectations and I’m not, ever, her preference after all. So I’ll just behave myself at all cost. Anyway I can be discreet as is for a long period of earthly time.
What’s the use of me thinking about her as the ‘one’ if she’ll never be it? It’s such a waste of time. I might as well follow the advice of my friends: ‘to wait for the right person’. But I’m really scared to face that person. What if she’ll never like me? What if she has those expectations the same as the girl I’m currently spending my live-ever-after times? What if…? I really have those cares… how can I ever find her if questions like these are enveloping me all the time.
I want to cry and cry… and cry just to ease this sensibility in me, but I’m strong! How could a rock cry? Do stones bleed? Maybe that’s the reason why I sleep a lot, to somehow forget. Even my friends tell me that I’m so insensitive because they don’t see me wail. I keep everything to myself. I may cry but I’d find ways for them not to see me. Way back then, I never felt something like this.
Well, I was in-love before and it works, but it didn’t last for long. There comes that day when the feeling just pooped off, and I didn’t even care. Now is very different, because I really think about it every time I’m so alone. Maybe it’s the maturity I’ve took when I begun to stay alone and far from the crib of my family where I was nurtured and spoiled a lot. And maybe because I can already think of something “unbabyish” and already stepping from boyhood towards manhood. And because of that, feelings like these developed. Yes, maybe… yeah. 🙂
It is very envious when I see couples who try to show their (almost) whole feelings toward each other publicly. But I’m not consenting it. Honestly, for me, I don’t like it. I consider it to be improper. Seeing couples doing sweety-tums while walking on the sidewalks, sitting on a park’s bench, inside a movie house, or even inside the church is so distracting. It’s like, them, telling us singles of the world to be jealous to what they are doing on that very moment… for us to immediately ‘hire’ our own partners so that we could also do what they always do everytime they are together.
Well, I don’t want to limit my stand on this because maybe someday I might as well do what I dread to do right now. I will try to lengthen my understandings to this “phenomenon”. But I know that this will take time, especially for me. As of now, I’ll be firm to my own reasons. I also abhor when people talk about their love life and the love life of others… I am so irritated to that kind of conversation. My friends knew that! It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s just that— it’s been a cliché for Christ’s sake. How can I listen to those if it was already been told for so many times?
Well, each has different actors but as said, the same happenings and all are there. What’s the difference about that? Boy meets girl; boy dates girl; boy meets another girl or boy did something that girl hates; girl hates boy; boy apologizes to girl; girl cries a bit; then girl accepts apology… then back to how it was all started. See? How can I be interested to those?
Some of my friends always confide to me (almost) everything about their relationships. Their joys, excitements, and all about their boyfriend(s) / girlfriend(s). Gee, I can even feel how high their zest is at that very exact moment. Then come that dusky day of their lives… and also my gloomy days because that is the time when they cry (wet or dry). I hate to see people crying! They also lament – – -> lengthy I tell you. A day is not enough for them just to tell you how regretful they are… why did they do this and that; they shouldn’t have done that; they should be more like that, must do this and that.
But, for the sake of our friendship, I always comfort them the usual. I always tell them… that’s ok; life is really just like that; don’t blame yourself; I’m here, to listen. But then again, I hate those mushy stuffs. Although things like these seem to happen everyday…
Hey! Who the hell am I to complain? I’m just chosen by God to live here on earth to act a part in the play called LIFE… and I will playact ’til the curtain is up and if there are people who still believe in me. Wow, have I really gone this far? It’s almost midnight and seven three zero three is soon to end… another day, another scene, another issues will soon to rise. Got to be ready for it! Is this the end? Nah, I don’t think so.